today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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