oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
