you didnt know i had herpes?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
