Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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