I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
there's paper in my vomit.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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