Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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