Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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