you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
FUCK WHALES
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
