I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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