Cold hands, warm shart.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Sober January is a disaster.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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