I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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