Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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