I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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