I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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