He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
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Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
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He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
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