Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
