I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i think i have two assholes
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
