Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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