omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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