if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
