I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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