Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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