She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
we're making bets on your personal life
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
