dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
