Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
dude i'm inner monologue high
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
