Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize