i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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