U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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