I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
