I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
