Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
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