Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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