Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
