It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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