Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
