The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
