i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
