How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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