FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
