just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
