I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
