You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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