This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
