The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
