When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
