Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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