When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Randomize
