I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
