i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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