Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
