Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
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i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
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I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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