Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
i think my cat just said my name.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
