that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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