i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
