I didn't shave. On purpose
My balls are so social today.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
