I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
