last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
